We have been exploring our mind and body connection.  Looking for ways to find our inner souls, ways to look at our world differently; no matter the circumstances.  We have been exploring how to get into a sacred space and why we would even want to. An excerpt from “Living your Truth” seminar: 

“It is not easy but every ounce of Transformation, soul-searching and growing into who you were always meant to be is worth it BECAUSE ON THE other side of DARKNESS is PURE LOVE, JOY, PEACE and GRACE!”

Everything I write about is to show the world that God does show up in miraculous ways, he moves our mountains, he heals our hurts, he whispers love into our heart.  He can turn your circumstances in an instant, he can rock us to the core of our being, only to carry us through the storm.  I have been blessed in my brokenness and didn’t know it, because for me I know that he has and will continue to use someone who is NOT equipped to do his work or spread his love. If through my story I can help one person heal their own brokenness or find peace and calm in their storm, then I have lived my purpose in this life.

Living a purposeful life is to live life, to breathe, to laugh, to cry, to be touched by gentleness, to be touched by love, to feel the pain of loss, only to truly understand and know what true love feels like, to feel the pure unconditional love of being a parent.  We are supposed to feel, we are supposed to experience, we are supposed to love and offer forgiveness to ourselves and others.

I am not saying any of it is easy but it is through the brokenness that we can truly appreciate the light.  The light and love of God, our creator.  When we open up our minds and our hearts to his love, nothing is impossible and we begin to live into it.  Do you know that you have all the power to create the life you want?   You have all the power you will ever need right here, right now and in this moment.  It is not on its way to you, it is not happening tomorrow, it is in the NOW and PRESENT Moment.

I have been married two times, the first time was for a very short period of time and his alcoholism is something I personally could not deal with.  My second marriage was for a long time 23 years; we were together 24 years.  I can truthfully say that my soul died in that marriage, my heart from many years of emotional torment, a childhood that allowed me to hide my feelings so well, helped me to become the empty shell I became. I walked through my life not having a relationship with my creator.  I got up every day took care of the family, took care of the house, took care of the lawn, took care of the doctor’s appointments, I volunteered, I ran businesses, I was the soccer mom, the horse mom, the dance mom, I was the PTA President and the Vice President, I was the leader of church organizations, I was the home room mom, I was the boy scot and Brownie mom, the baseball and basketball mom, I was the entertainment home, I supported my ex-husbands career and took care of our family the only way I knew how and that was giving everything in me to them.

I have nor will I ever regret my decision to be a stay at home mom for a few years until they went to school.  I have never regretted loving my family and my home.  I have never regretted a single thing they got to experience because I made it happen.  I will never regret a moment of their joy.

I don’t regret my choices to love my family what took me so long to figure out is the WHY after I gave everything in my entire being to my family would it not ever be enough.   I have a strong relationship with my children and I love them more than humanly possible.  I am grateful that they now get to see a mother who is overflowing with happiness and joy, that they get to see through me that even though you can walk through the fires of hell, there is pure light and love on the other side of it.  The young girl who got married, truly wanted a family and who loved them with her entire being eventually was crushed under the weight of years of emotional battering.

There were years towards the end that I prayed to a God I no longer believed in to please just let my heart stop beating, let my lungs stop breathing I CANNOT do it another day.  I cried myself to sleep most nights until there were no longer any tears only anger, fear, anxiety, hatred and the last few years of that marriage there were absolutely no feelings whatsoever.   You see when you have to hide your emotions, when you have to worry about just being perfectly calm and serene so that the other person won’t jump down your throat for some imagined slight.   You learn quickly to have no feelings at all.  Unfortunately, most times it didn’t matter if you were calm or not.  Just walking in the door would set off an extreme chain of events and the yelling and berating would begin.

I was the protector and guardian of my children.  I feel like I protected them from the worst of it but they still grew up in a house where we hide how things really were at home.  They grew up in a house where anger was very present and where nothing was ever right.  They grew up in a toxic house and within that toxic relationship.  Some would ask WHY would you stay if it was that bad?   I didn’t want them to come from a broken home, I didn’t want them to experience having to go from house to house, I didn’t want to have less than of anything. I was afraid of the outcome.  I wasn’t until the simple act of breathing and existing became so painful that it finally ended.

Mother’s Day 2015 was the end and the beginning.  It was the end of the soul deep pain but it was the beginning of the purging of that pain, which is as painful as living in it.  I could no longer contain any of my emotions when I was alone.  I screamed, I shouted, I sobbed, I cried, I danced, I sang, I moved 1700 miles away from a place that was never for me.  I had to leave my grown children who were in school to live again.  That was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Somehow my soul knew what had to happen it was stay in AZ and truly die or go home to a place that called me by name.   I came home to purge the hatred for myself, to purge the fear, the anxiety, the pain, the hurt.  I came home to find the little girl and young woman who desperately needed Love, Forgiveness and Peace.  I came back to life slowly day by day, piece by piece.

9 months ago my creator started the process of restoring me fully.  He has stripped m of every hateful, toxic, demoralizing, condemning thought and voice from my body, He has emptied me completely, only to fill me up with his LOVE, his compassion, his forgiveness, his joy, his peace, his MERCY.  Right now I know and I believe that the scars that formed are completely healed, I believe I have been made new.  To do his purpose, to share my story, to help others find their own path to healing.

As I look “through the looking-glass” I see the past as a lesson for the present and the future.  I see the hope of a beautiful new dawn, I see the beauty of how we are created and recreated from the ASHES.  I see the vision of new life in a restored body and mind.  I see that my purpose is so much more than I would have ever dreamed by myself.  I see the power within, I see the love within and I see the ever flowing river in my heart which feeds my body, nourishes my mind, and keeps my soul alive.

I sincerely I thought I would never LOVE again, I thought I would never be able to share a space with another person, I thought I would never be able to feel compassion, mercy, grace or beauty for another soul.  I never thought I would miss someone when I didn’t see them, I never thought I could be in a place of peace and be aware of how amazing our creator is.  When he restores what was crushed he restores completely, when he heals the heart and the soul he heals completely.  When he gives you a gift in the form of another soul he gives completely, freely and without limits.  It isn’t a little drop, it is life altering, ever flowing no boundaries kind of healing.   The kind that washes away the scars and leaves no blemish behind.

How do we start this process?

Today start….. with one decision to change one thing that brings you pain, that hurts your body, that torments your mind.  It is deciding to keep on walking through the fire and holding the creators hand.  It is the decison to reach out for help when you are in the dark.   It is deciding that today I am going to wake up with one thing I am grateful for right now.  It is repeating how much you are loved to your inner child, your young adult and the person looking back at you in the mirror.  It is embracing a new way of thinking about our world, our creator, our life.  It is embracing the almighty power that lives in you!  ONE DECISION..

Let the vision in your looking-glass become crystal clear.  

Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue; And they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.