If you could looked at your life backwards and as an observer without attachments what would you see? If you could see the roads, the twists, the turns, the paths not taken, the choices that lead you to a particular place, time, person.  Would you take the same path; would you be able to see the beauty in the choices that were made?  Would you look at your life as a story, a play or a musical masterpiece? Would you be able to see the play writer, the architects that built your sets, would you be able to see the editor, the musician’s, the publisher?

Who are they?  Were they your mother, father, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, pastor, priest, church member, a friend, an enemy?  Who are the current actors in your play?  Boyfriend, co-worker, neighbors, boss, family members, friends.

Have you truly looked at your life from the outside in and seen the fabric of it? Have you truly looked at the depth of it, down to the single strands that makes the fabric?  Does any part of it bring you pain, does it bring you joy, does it bring you regret?  Does it bring you awareness of the roads, the strands that became woven into your current story?  Does it play like a beautiful musical piece, can you see the notes, does your story read like an old and weathered book that has been read time and time again, until the covers are falling off?  Can you see the paths that you need to examine closely to grow, to become more of who you were always meant to be?

This month has been a month of revelation and reflection for me.  I started my journey 19 months ago and what I didn’t realize at the time was that what started as physical journey, (I want to lose a little weight, I want to get healthy, I want to just be able to run again) would become the most incredible spiritual journey I have experienced in my entire life.

I grew up in a church setting, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, I’ve attended community bible churches as well.  There were very few years that church wasn’t a part of my life but it was going to church because that’s what you do on Sunday.  It was not because I craved it and couldn’t wait for the next service to take place.

4 years ago, I turned my back on anything related to church because I was so angry at God.  My anger didn’t take the form of fire; it took the form of a crushed spirit.  It took the form of a whisper that I was not going to participate with him any longer.  I can’t say I had a conversation with him, I can’t say I laid down any burdens to him, I can’t say I surrendered anything to him, I can’t say I loved him; because, looking back I am completely sure I did not even begin to understand what those words actually meant. From my perspective he didn’t answer prayers, he was just a trumped-up story and the church were people who all drank the same cool-aid.  He wasn’t someone who was connected to us or even cared.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that I even realized the depth of that anger.  Somewhere between reading the bible, participating in bible studies and praying for years on end for him to stop the pain, stop the hatred, stop the soul deep bleeding, that I was experiencing that I turned away and decided that he wasn’t ever going to answer and I was done believing.  It has been through the emptying out process that I finally understood the anger.

How incredibly weak, unaware and selfish I was.  You see I had always questioned my worth because I never learned that my worth does not come from anyone on this planet, in this world, or universe.  I never understood until almost 2 years ago that I had to personally shift my thought processes, I had to move when he said move, I had to SURRENDER completely and fully.  I had to be willing to empty the vessel so that he could fill it up.  I am on a journey for a purpose, specifically for his purpose.

He didn’t let me die, He didn’t give me the way to kill myself, he didn’t answer the prayers when I BEGGED him to just PLEASE END IT.  Looking back however, I see that he did and OH… how he did, in the biggest way ever.  I wrote recently that when he restores; he restores down to the very marrow of our being.  He makes the scars, the flesh, the heart, the body completely new!   HE opens up the heart and the soul so wide that the only thing that flows out of you is LIGHT and LOVE!  What I didn’t realize at the time of my death is that he carried me, held me, and protected me the whole way!  My purpose to help others find their way to healing and him, is the reason he didn’t let me die physically.  During those many years of my desert, I know He breathed for me, He pushed my heart to beat each day, it was his strength and his spirit that animated my body during those years of my complete despair.

When YOU look at your life backwards what do you see?

I see a journey, I see a vision, I see a miracle that took place and I see the miracle that is happening today.  I see the miracle of Love, I see the souls of people, I see their incredible beauty, their strength, I see GOD IN ALL of them, I see the miracle of life, I see the miracle of dreams, I see the miracle of SPEAKING THINGS INTO EXISTENCE!  but WHO I finally see the clearest and hear the loudest IS MY GOD, MY CREATOR, MY UNIVERSE, MY KING, MY PRINCE, MY FATHER, MY EVERYTHING! I hear him, I feel him, I know him, I believe in him!  

This journey to my GOD has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  The path has been full of falls, breakdowns, grief, complete and utter despair, however, it has also been full of happiness, moments of peace, grace and moments FULL OF his MERCY.  Every single experience in this life thus far has been for my steps to take me right here and right now.  I can tell you from experience that every ounce of Transformation, soul-searching and growing into who you have always meant to be is worth it BECAUSE ON THE other side of DARKNESS is PURE LOVE, JOY, PEACE and GRACE! 

My story and Your story can be different.  You and I get to write our stories from here on out. The next 5 minutes is blank page and WE have the POWER and NO ONE ELSE TO decide what we are going to write.

It takes tremendous courage to surrender the old story and start exploring the new possibilities and new stories for your life?  It takes fierce determination, no excuses and despite the obstacles in your way!  Knowing what you know now, how willing are you to rewrite your story?

I could have chosen to use my past trauma and hurt, my belief system that I was unworthy as a crutch or an excuse.  Instead despite the trauma, the abuse, the neglect I chose differently.   YOU CAN ALSO! Our past and our present does not define us…I have always, even as a little girl and young mother chosen to be the protector and the guardian.  I lost my path for a minute, I was covered in darkness but I believe my SOUL knew the way.  I know that today; my entire being embraces the fact that I am a person who Thinks Differently and DOES IT Differently!

My rise from the ashes came with a crazy, earth shattering, over flowing, no holding back kind of crazy love for my GOD who redeemed me, protected me, held me, loved me despite me, and to this day is filling me up from the empty vessel I was.   I am the vessel and you GOD are the words.  I am on your path, I am on your journey and I will hear you, feel you, know you and believe in you!  It is from your GRACE and YOUR MERCY that I was able to rise from the ashes a new person!

So I ask YOU?

Have you looked at your story in the rear view mirror? Are you ready to change the lines, change the words, change the publisher, change the editor?  Rewrite the music?  ARE YOU READY TO TRANSFORM YOUR STORY?

Right Now, Today!  Day 92 to Transformation

Titus 3:5:  He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,