Today in talking with someone I realized how important it is for us to let go of old hurts, old resentments and drop the baggage we have carried with us every single day of our lives.   I know that I struggle with this daily, I want to surrender it all but I find myself picking up the dirty, tattered old story and carrying it around with me like a badge or shield again and again.

Carrying our old story, not forgiving and not letting it go keeps us hindered in our walk with God.  He wants so badly for us to fully come to the realization that we have no ability to walk through this life on our own.  My sister reminded me of this fact the other day.  I was telling her how I don’t think I can do this, this could be very painful for me and she said; do you hear yourself, YOU CAN’T but GOD certainly can.  Look at how far you have come this last year alone, you need to live your truth, you need to walk your talk and you need to trust and believe in your God.  The God that makes miracles happen, a God that is very real and that hears our praise, our thanks, every want and desire.  He knows our needs before they are spoken, he knows our soul more intimately that we do, he knew us before we were ever born.

My sister has been my rock in the valleys of my life.  She made me realize that my CAN’Ts are based in my ego, it is based in my old story of hurt and pain, it is based in my FEAR.   My fear of not being worthy enough, my fear of not being good enough, my fear of trusting and believing, my fear of the pain that comes with Love, my fear of a love I want so badly but am so afraid of at the same time.

My meditation today was about forgiveness again and how most of the time we have to revisit forgiveness for ourselves and others.  My old story and your old story have embedded deep ruts into our souls that don’t just go away immediately.  Life comes rushing in and we are sometimes caught off guard and have to look at the WHY’s behind our resistance and resentments.  It is not just about what others have done against us, it is what we have done against ourselves that we need to forgive, breathe and forgive again, as many times as necessary to find complete forgiveness.

In this I am reminded of Jesus on the cross and his horrific battle for our eternal lives both as a human person and as a supernatural being.  He was terribly battered, tortured, bruised he went to the cross willingly with the full knowledge of what he was going to suffer.  He was born a human to bear the wrath of God for all of humanity, good and evil.   He knew what his path was; He prayed three times in extreme anguish for this path to be taken from him but only if it was God’s will.   He wasn’t only tortured he was mocked, spit upon, ridiculed and stripped naked to carry his own instrument of death and beyond all that his father turned his back on him to make the sacrifice whole, complete and undeniable.

Why did he have to suffer so extremely?  It was for our forgiveness.  It was for my forgiveness.  God forgives me for being human, for my daily struggle with picking up my old story, he forgives my fear of what’s to come, he forgives my fear of LOVE and the pain and loss that could come from LOVE, he forgives me for my vanity, all my imperfections, for thinking I can do anything without him.  He forgives me, so how can I possibly turn my back on that forgiveness and not forgive myself and others.

I have to practice forgiveness for myself daily.  I have to practice forgiving others daily, I have to practice because I can’t imagine wasting the gift of my own forgiveness and choosing to follow my own ego in this life.  It begins with an awareness of your deepest self, and awareness of your deepest feeling, an awareness of how you are feeling in any given moment and letting go of judgments, letting go of our ego mind and leaning into the LOVE that God has for us in all things, in all times and in all circumstances.

It may take me a few times of falling down as it is our earthly nature to want to hang onto and grip with all our might the things that don’t bring us any peace, mercy or grace but practice forgiveness and letting go I will.  Practicing forgiveness for all my doubts and fears.  Practicing on how to shift and change my fear to believe, power and strength.  To realize that doubts and fears are a part of our human mind but it is my responsibility to see the gift in what Jesus did for us on the cross and walk through the fear anyway.  

It is my responsibility to walk through the fear anyway!  Day 86 to Transformation

Matthew 26: 36-46  Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.