If I asked you what makes you happy? How would you respond?  Would it be a response you wouldn’t have to think about or like me be taken by complete surprise that you don’t know the answer right way.

This was a question I was asked this weekend by someone, who apart from my children is one of the most important people in my inner world.  My first thought was I don’t know.  I am sure you can imagine how surprised I was that I didn’t immediately know the answer.    After, the last two years of new beginnings, fresh starts and having the courage to walk through each part of my own brokenness and walking into the arms of my Father, I think I should know the answer to that simple question very quickly.

However, if you are like me the answer is never easy; it is most times very complicated.    I could not sleep that night because I needed to know within myself what was the answer to that question, what makes me happy, but most importantly I needed to know that it wasn’t someone or something that makes me happy.  The last two years has been about my journey to healing, my journey to God and my journey to my soul, it has been very important for me to be happy within myself and not from anything or anyone.

So what is the answer to my happiness?  I know the external things that make me happy running, yoga, weight lifting, walking, music, learning, ballroom dancing, reading, writing, my family, my gift, my children and my grandchildren.   Where does this joy that I feel on a daily basis come from?  Don’t get me wrong I have days where I feel off but mostly I feel very peaceful and joyful in my daily life.   Today for example, I felt off, I needed the centurion to stand at my gate and keep some thoughts at bay and it all started with the simple question of what makes you happy from a person I love.  I know he had no idea that a simple question would bring up some very strong emotions.   I was surprised myself, but taking a couple of days and looking back down the road I understand it a little more.

I haven’t felt true happiness in more years than I can remember.  I was happy for my children, I was happy for my friends, I was happy for my family but I wasn’t happy within who I was.  There were days where I wasn’t sure I would make it through the day, days where I would cry myself to sleep and pray to a God I no longer believed in because I was so tired of the heart ache, I was so tired of the pain that was soul deep, there were days where I had to fake every moment of my life.  Days where I had to get up, get dressed, put a smile on my face and walk through a life I no longer could live or survive in.

Now that I am years into a journey to me I know that having my adult children with me makes me happy, being able to tuck in and kiss my grandchildren goodnight makes me happy, laughing and sharing time with my family, my nieces and nephews makes me happy, holding the hand of the person I love makes me happy, just the simple act of being in his presence makes me happy, exercising daily makes me happy, choosing healthy foods and a healthy lifestyle makes me happy.

I know that I have never been happier than I am at this moment and I know within my soul that it is because I have found for the first time in my life my God and a faith that is stronger than I would have ever imagined. I believe in his power because I have experienced it, I believe in his healing because I have experienced it, I believe that he can create miracles because I have experienced it, I believe that he created me for a purpose because I have experienced my purpose in my journey.  I believe in a God that has no boundaries, no limits and it doesn’t matter that I am not equipped to share his message because he is my conductor I am his instrument.

I know without a doubt that he has completely changed me, he has emptied me completely and filled me again with his joy, his presence, his love.   I know that I am NOT the same person I was two years ago because he allowed me to die in the desert only to bring me out of the ashes.   I have risen to be the person that God created me to be.  I no longer look for joy in the outside world, I no longer look for any confirmation of who “I Am” in the outside world, I no longer look for validation from the outside world.  I know that I find my joy, my happiness, my peace and my love in God’s presence.

There is a song from Kutless, “I’m still yours”….and it asks the questions If you washed away my vanity, if you took away my words, if all my world was swept away would you be enough for me?  Would my beating heart still sing?  If I lost it all would my hands stay lifted?  Have you ever considered these questions?  That if your entire world was swept away would you still praise him, would you still worship him, would you still have the heart that beats for him.

Today my answer is yes, yes and yes because he has given me more than I will ever deserve, he has given me a new life, and a new heart for him.  He has given me the ability to see his world with wonder and amazement, he has given me peace and joy, he has wiped all of the fear, anxiety and hurt away completely.   Even though I didn’t believe, even though I turned away, even though I stopped praying, even though I felt alone, abandoned, helpless, even though I said I no longer believe.  I know now that he carried me the entire time, I was just so deep into the darkness that I didn’t know it.

He hand-picked a family for me when my birth family wasn’t the right ones, he gave me children that I love with my entire being, he gave me friends that are my strongest supporters, he has shown me love and kindness through a stranger, he has given me a love that you get once, he has given me safety and security, he has given me so much.  So yes, I will love you, worship you and praise you.  I will be thankful for every second of every minute that I have of this life and I know that you are the reason for my happiness.  You are the reason for my joy.  You are the reason I can breathe and love again.

So the answer to what makes me happy is you… God, you are the road to my happiness!