I recently had an experience that rocked me to my knees that brought anguish like I have never experienced before all because of a misunderstanding and a desire to protect those I love.  Since I was a child I was always put in the role of being the protector, the provider, the helper, the mother.  I had to protect my brothers and sisters from those who wanted to hurt them, I had to be my birth mother’s protector and way home from her nights of drinking and men.   I was at a very early age the one who took care of, who feed, bathed and got us all to school.  I was the one who stood in the way when others would want make fun of or hurt my siblings.  My birth grandmother told me many times, Marie you have to take care of you brothers and sisters.  You have to take care of your mother because she cannot take care of you or herself.  All of those labels and roles lead back to being the one who stands in place of another.

As a mother I made sure that my children did not suffer the childhood that I suffered.  I wasn’t however able to protect them from it all.  As I wasn’t able to protect my siblings from it all.   They will carry the scars and the baggage of a home that was broken, of a home that wasn’t the safest place for them emotionally.  As children and adults we all need a safe place, a place where we know that no harm will come to us no matter what.  A sanctuary where there is only love, where you feel completely 100% secure in the knowledge that you are accepted for who you are, scars, wounds and all.  I wasn’t able to create that for my children or my siblings.  In our relationships we need and deserve the same thing, an acceptance of who we are completely and love that is unconditional.  I know because I have had the greatest opportunity to experience loving someone unconditionally, loving them more each day that the day before, missing them the second they are gone and only wanting what is best for them, even if it that doesn’t include me.  This kind of ability to love is God-given and I am beyond grateful that once in this life I’ve experienced this depth of love for another.

In reality God is the only one who will accept you with all your brokenness, all your wounds and all your scars.  He will in fact heal every single one of them.  We let each other down, we fail miserably in our daily lives and we hurt those we love with our best of intentions.  I have let people down daily, I have hurt those I love without even meaning to, and I have failed miserably every day.  Thank God for His grace because I am graceless.

I carry like everyone else labels and hurts from my childhood, my past experiences, my failures (which are many) and my successes.  It is our experiences in this life that mold our views, that come with us into new experiences, that ultimately determine our path in life, our past experiences good or bad gives us a framework of who we think we are in this world and gives us a lens with which we use to look at the people and situations in our daily lives.

I know the power in a name or a label.  There is life or death in the spoken word.   “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21   We often times fall back on what our family name is or just because I’m a child of so and so; I am always going to be worthless.  Some people think they are better than everyone else because of their name.  What we need to understand is that God is the Father to us all and He is the only one that matters, not our earthly parents.  God will always carry us, He will always provide for us, He will always protect us. He will always be for our good, He will fight our battles with one hand and carry us in the other.

At the core of me I am a protector and at this point I’ve realized I am a warrior in the spirit.  I will meet you with kindness, love and compassion in the natural but in the spirit I am a warrior that will stand in your place, I will battle for those that can’t do it for themselves and I will meet whatever I need to head on.  Yes, I am fearful.  I am afraid like the rest of us that I will fail, like I have so many times in my past.  I am afraid to show the depth of my love, because I’m not worthy of it in return.  Yes, I am doubtful of what I am supposed to do. These are all the things in my suitcase that make it very difficult to carry but the alternative is unimaginable and that is a life without those I love to the very depths of me.  So I will fight for those I love, I will meet my demons head on and I will not stop until my suitcase has been torched at the altar never more to be picked up again.

I asked myself today, what is in my suitcase?   Do you ever ask yourself what is in your suitcase? Do you, like me, take the items out and look at them, read them, feel them, breath them in and then ever gently place them back in the suitcase, then take it up and carry it around with you.

Mine is heavy, worn and battered, the scars and wounds on the leather are deep and bleeding.   This journey that I’ve been on has brought me so much joy in my heart, a healing in my spirit, a restoration of a life I never thought possible.  Over the course of the last 2 years I have burned a tremendous amount of old beliefs, and old ways.  I have torched many things and I have put safe guards in place to keep my mind, my spirit and my body protected.  It has brought me to who I was always meant to be.  A person who loves life, who wants to experience and be present with those around me, who protects at all cost those that I love.   A person who will not conform to the ordinary but who believes in a God so powerful that one brush of His spirit will deliver you and me.

I know that He has asked me to listen for His voice I know that He has asked me to believe in Him from the very depths of my being.  I know that He has called an unworthy person to help others.  How I do not know as of yet, when I don’t know that either, but I will believe until my last breath.  If that is today or tomorrow it matters not because I’ve done what was asked.  I’ve walked into the water, I’ve moved, I’ve dreamed and I believe.  I’ve emptied my suitcase of many things and I intend to keep emptying it and surrounding it at the feet of Jesus who is the only one can heal the wounds and the scars completely.  Jesus knows that deep inside of me is a power and strength that I never thought I would ever have.  I never thought I would wake up each day and know that I was created to be different to believe differently to have such an overwhelming desire to help others through sharing my own story.

I will continue to move forward to my dreams and my destiny and I will fight for those I love and the stories I am asked to tell.  I will fight for my dreams and will fight to stay connected to my Father.  I cannot live without Him, I cannot breathe without Him and I cannot move without Him.

I’ve taken the steps that I needed to take to walk out into my river.  I’ve leapt over the cliff and let go of a job that was keeping me from my true path.  Since I have done that however every creeping doubt and fear has taken up residence in my mind.   When we are at our strongest we will be attacked at our weakest.  If you are like me in any way my spirit is where Satan tries to attack.  He tells me I’m not worthy, he tells me I am not healed, he tells me I am crazy to think that I could help anyone, he tells me I will not do anything.  He says look at where you came from who do you think you are you are nothing BUT unworthy.  He wants to twist, lie and destroy the love of another.  He uses any means he can, he uses our past experiences to twist, he uses our doubts to whisper lies, he’ll use the love that God gave to put doubt in your mind about the strength and depth of it.  He’ll tell you anything to bring destruction.

I thank God that I have a strong support system, I thank God that He has put people in my life that when it is the hardest to pray, when it’s the hardest to breath, when it’s the hardest to live; that I have someone I trust completely to remind me to pray, to remind me to surrender, to remind to write.  Someone who will hold my hand as I do so.  Who will come into pray with me and be my strength when I can’t say anything other than please God take this anguish, take this broken woman and have mercy.  Have mercy…. Father.

The only way to the other side of fear and doubt is to face it head on and walk right on through it.  The only way I can get through the doubt and fear that wants to stop me is to conquer it.  I will surrender every part of my suitcase until there is nothing left to surrender, I don’t care how many times I have to go back and empty it.  I will burn every piece of the doubt and fear till there is nothing left to burn.  I will burn them on the altar and I will not pick up the ashes and carry them.

What are you going to do with what is in your suitcase?  Aren’t you tired of carrying it around I know how heavy mine is.  How heavy is yours?  Ask God to take it and let me be honest with you sometimes it takes more than once, twice or three times to surrender all the labels, all the anguish, all the hurt, all the wounds, all the self-doubt, all the fear and every single ounce of the suitcase.

It may take doing it bit by bit or you may the one that can pick the suitcase up and throw onto the fire surrendering it all at once.  Either way it must be surrendered and left at the bottom of the cross.  This is a process and the emptying of your suitcase that is overstuffed from life takes time and determination.  It takes the willingness to be courageous and brave in the face of fear and meet it head on.  It takes leaning on the Father when you don’t think you’ll be able to do it and in my humbleness for pain and doubt that was not my intention it takes holding onto the hand of the one you love and saying I’m sorry.

2 Corinthians 12:9-9

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”