I am sitting here in a quiet house, preparing for Bible Study tomorrow. I have been wanting to write something but haven’t had the words to know exactly what to say. However, tonight the words and thoughts won’t go away, my heart is needing to let go of somethings and this is part of my way of doing that. 

So much of who I am, how I process and how I survive is by the written word. It isn’t by chance that God uses that form of communication with me most of the time; often lately however, I have heard him speak to him in the sweetest gentle whisper.  I am so very grateful for that. I never want to lose my love of writing or hearing His voice in my spirit. 

We all go through stages of life where some things are easy, happy, wonderful; We are full of life and creativity, we seem to blossom, we feel the full measure of God’s love upon us. Then we have the valley which the exact opposite of that feeling of God’s full measure of love. For me it is the absence of His presence, it is the sadness that takes my breath away, it is the guilt that won’t quit for things I had no control over and wishing with all of my young spirited self that it could have been different; not just for myself but for others in my live. 

Lately, I haven’t been on the mountain and I haven’t been in the valley. I am familiar with what that looks like. I am familiar with how to handle each of those places. I’ve been on the mountain top rejoicing God and knowing that He loves me no matter what I have done on this earth. I’ve been in the valley and even deeper I have been in the blackest pit, where I honestly wasn’t sure I would be coming out of. This experience is quite different. 

Have you ever been somewhere in between?

In between the walking in the full measure of God’s Love and the absence of His love. It is like a mirror of yourself when you could barely hang on to life, when you could barely breathe. It hurts, it crushes but it isn’t crushing you to the level that it once did. Is it painful, absolutely, does it make me sad, absolutely. Does it put me in a place of uncertainty? Absolutely.

This mirror makes me questions myself, it makes me question what I should have done, what could I have done differently, why did I make the choices I made? Could I have made different ones with the knowledge I had the time? Then ultimately anger gets a hold. Anger turned inward to myself. It is funny how it isn’t anger at the person who was the enemy on earth. No, it is anger at myself for believing the lie, for not seeing the truth for so long, for wanting for myself and my family a different outcome and trying to do everything in “my” power to make it different. You see, “the snakes” is the enemy trying to destroy once again.

The enemy trying to destroy your heart, your mind, your peace, your joy, your belief that God knows it all and He has restored it. Trying to destroy the goodness of who you are. He has won so many battles, maybe He’ll win this one; one day or maybe He’ll be surprised that the warrior in me aka my God says NO you cannot have her or her family. She was set apart for me, she is the daughter of mine and so are her children. I hear her prayers because she says I am her Father, I am her God and in me she puts her trust. (Psalm 91)

The Holy Spirit says that I am still His; that He will never let me go. The Holy Spirit says He has all the good and wonderful things still waiting for me to believe in. The Holy Spirit says I’m working it all out for you to walk into them; but my mind (the snakes) whisper and shout something completely different. 

This week’s bible study is about snakes. I can’t turn the page quick enough to get past the picture of the snake, like just looking at it will bring one into my sight. You see the snakes and I have an agreement I don’t go looking for them and they don’t come looking for me. I am TERRIFIED of them… I grew up in the country where the snakes fell out of the trees and my Foster Mom would just go over and chop their heads off. She was not afraid of anything. Me on the other hand wishes I had some of that extra non fearful thing she had. AS I write this I have the book open and my laptop hiding the page. I am not kidding when I say snake phobia, hatred and utter fear is very REAL. If it was me, you or the snake I am not sure that I would be able to save anyone; myself included. 

In my journey and process of healing I have learned a lot about the spiritual snakes that take over our minds. I have battled them my entire life. These snakes aren’t as easy to chop their hands off because they grow more heads as you chop one off and they are truly designed to destroy you as a person, as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter of the King. The spirit that comes with them have hooks that sink deep into our minds and it takes years sometimes to chop all their heads off. 

I am so glad that Pastor Breyer wrote about this because it couldn’t be truer. Anger and un-forgiveness is a snake; it is bent on deceivingly and slowly destroying you and all around you. It is an infestation that grows, grows and grows if you don’t chop the head off. I can no longer be in any situation where there is anger. I physically and emotionally have to leave. If you haven’t been in a truly abusive and toxic situation you have no idea the trauma it takes on a person. The anger outbursts over nothing, the hatred that rolls around like thunder, the sense of fear for your safety or the safety of your children, the utter nausea that comes when that person walks in and you know it is only a matter of time before someone or something does or say something that makes the other person explode. 

That was my reality and the reality of my chidden for a very long time. So much so that friends quit being our friends, people quit coming to visit and relationships suffered. Proverbs says it this way: Life and death are in the tongue. What you think, you say and what you say you cannot always take back. The damage is done and it is a long path to forgiveness and even then sometimes we cannot forget. 

I had thought that I had offered unasked for forgiveness however, it is easy to feel like that when you aren’t in that person’s life, or even that state. I remember when I knew that I hadn’t forgiven fully nor had I forgotten. It was sometime in February when I knew that that particular “snake” was still there. I knew because my spirit went into panic, worry and being completely unsettled at the thought of seeing this person; I had not completely forgiven anything. It was very much like when I was in Foster Care and we got to go to the lake with my Foster Sister; of all people to be there at the exact same time as us was my “birth cousin” and I freaked out. When I noticed her I ran to my Foster Sister and said we have go; we have to leave right now. I couldn’t get away fast enough. She is the last person on the face of the earth I ever want to see. She was one of the people who did horrific things to myself and my siblings. I will save all that for another time. I remember the terror I felt, because terror it was and in February that fear and sickness of seeing a particular person was coming back. I can hide it and handle it much better now but it took all I could do and I had to rely on God for the rest. A pastor friend of mine actually gave me the weapon I needed for myself and that was to walk in with the person who was my warrior, who was my savior and to walk in the light of the one who brought me back from the edge of death; that person was Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I didn’t have that weapon at 12 when I saw my cousin at the lake. 

To this day, I have no desire or feeling of need to be around any of my blood related extended family even though we are in all Tennessee. They are no longer my blood, they are not my family and they will never be. God gave me a message when running one day and told me that once I decided to truly follow Him, He changed the bloodline that I was born with. He changed it from death to life and from destruction to hope. I am so very thankful for that because “the snake” say’s you the worst of the worst. You are unworthy of your life mate that God has given you. You are unworthy to have the love of your children. Look what you did to them. You made them suffer. It is all your fault the trauma they have had. Why do you think you deserve anything and lastly and most recent “the snakes” said because of your anger, your un-forgiveness, and desire for vindication for not yourself but your children. God is going to take something away from you. 

I am not special, I am not worthy and could never be without Jesus, but the beauty is that Jesus died on the cross so that we could be with him for eternity. The incredible beauty is that God cares enough to offer us a savior and wipes our own sins from the face of the earth. I may not be able to forgive today, but God knows I am trying to forgive today. He knows that the anger is and has never been for myself but for my children that I couldn’t make it all better for them. It wasn’t because I didn’t try. It was because “the snakes” had taken hold in the other person and they were able to make a home. I will never truly understand a manipulative, controlling and demonic spirit. A spirit that only wants to destroy the light in you but who can walk into church and act the part, that is successful. It isn’t my place to question how or why. It is my place to leave it at the foot of the cross and to Let Jesus do the chopping off of “the snake” when I can’t.  Make no mistake walking in fear is not of God, it is the enemy himself. Do not believe in the lie that he whispering.

I have had to keep doing this daily for a while because as I have seen myself in a mirror image of my daughter I feel such guilt for staying in a situation that was unhealthy; for not knowing that something was wrong when all the signs were there; I feel so guilty for trying to work myself into a better situation that they suffered along the way. I was in a very strange place myself in those years; I call those years the black pit of despair. I was soul tired of trying, soul tired of not having a clue as to what would make it better. Praying didn’t make it better, it made it worse. Going to bible study and learning about God didn’t make it better; it made it worse; going to work and trying to help and pay for some of the fun things for the kids, didn’t make it better, it made it worse. Trying anything and everything to make it better; it only made it worse. Till finally….. 

God said enough…. 

It was enough for me and my family; it was enough. He has made a way, where I thought no way would ever be. Today, I am trusting in Him and not in “the snakes” that want to come back in. I am thankful that even though I am weak, hurt and have guilt for my children’s pain and as I learn a little more each day. I will continue to choose let go of the anger, let go of the pain, I will choose to let go of the trauma and I will choose Jesus every step of the way.

Why? because I believe that He will bring my children home to Him. I believe that He will wipe the pain away, I believe He will dry the tears and calm the fears. Because, He loves me and they carry my spirit and because He says that in Isaiah 49: For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save (defend, preserve rescue, deliver) your children. That is a promise! A promise I can stand on, a promise that over rides all the lies and whispers from “the snakes”. Jeremiah 31: says: …. for your work (raising your children, prayer) shall be rewarded says the Lord, and your children shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is HOPE in your future, says the Lord that your children shall come back to their own border a place of peace, safety and wellbeing. 

So; because I am a child of God; so they are a child of God and He will bring them home. He will be the light in their lives despite the enemy who wants “the snakes to take root”.

Today, I am my Foster Mom and I am praying for deliverance for me and my children, believing in His word and thanking him for safety and security, praising Him for wellbeing and peace, Worshipping Him because He has stayed true to His word, His promise and His Love. As I pray I will walk in freedom from the spiritual snakes that are trying everything in their limited power to take up residence; to destroy and to have the people I love. I will be my Foster Mom and chop of every head of the enemy by the power of the name of Jesus. He may have won the scrimmage but He will not will the battle.