22 years of marriage ends with the stroke of a pen,  gavel and a recording with the judge asking?  Is your marriage irrevocably broken?

Quietly but firmly answered by the petitioner:  (my ex) Yes

After all the good times, the broken times and the crazy times it all over in 10 minutes maybe less.  How I managed to keep it together I will never know all I can say as I entered and exited that court room numb like I had spent the last 10 or so years.  Maybe longer….. How ???? How does a person stay in a relationship that is broken, most times abusive.  I don’t use the word abusive lightly.  I completely understand the weight and the meaning behind that word and how it can affect someone’s life.  I have thought many times about actually verbalizing the fact that I spent 22 years in an abusive relationship.  Did I actually have an abusive relationship or am I crazy like I have been called so many times.  Do I know what is healthy?  Do I know what abusive is?  I think we all ask ourselves How? WHY?   My ex would never consider himself abusive so maybe its all in my head!  The top signs that you are in an abusive relationship! I had 17 of them… Abusive I would say so….

Psychological abuse can look like: (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/)

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2. Constant put-downs.
3. Hypercriticism.
4. Refusing to communicate.
5. Ignoring or excluding you.
6. Extramarital affairs.
7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
9. Unreasonable jealousy.
10. Extreme moodiness.
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
12. Saying “I love you but…”
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
14. Domination and control.
15. Withdrawal of affection.
16. Guilt trips.
17. Making everything your fault.
18. Isolating you from friends and family.
19. Using money to control.
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave

I have asked myself daily those questions how??? The why is because I have children that I love more than is humanly possible.  My answer to the how is not so easy to figure out.  This blog is all about my personal journey of finding the answers for myself…where the journey begins is 7 months after the judge agrees to give us a divorce, sitting in my mother’s house at 11:22 p.m .on a Sunday evening and determined to not let my past hold me down from fully living a life of happiness and most of all LOVING myself with all the flaws for the first time in my entire life.